Trauma comes in an array of instances. There are so many people who experience some form of trauma every single day, and they have to cope with the effects of it for a very long time, if not the rest of their lives. It’s an ongoing struggle that many people do not know how to deal with.
After June 3, 2012, there were so many nights that I laid in bed with tears flowing onto my pillow. At times, I felt as if I could not be strong anymore. How am I supposed to deal with this? was a common thought. I knew that people looked up to me, so I was determined to maintain my strong mentality.
Some days were easier than others. If my strength wavered, then I would take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and tell myself, you can do this. However, the nights were the worst for me. As soon as my head hit the pillow my mind would race, and somehow they were always bad thoughts about the car accident. That’s when the tears would overpower me.
One night, I felt completely defeated. I felt powerless, weak, and exhausted. I did not know how to gather myself into the strong individual that everyone knew me as. So, I did the only thing that I thought would help. I turned to God.
I was raised as a Catholic. My mom would drag the family to church every Sunday (Now, I appreciate your doing that.), I went to a Catholic school for eight years, and I prayed every night before bed. When I was little, prayer was just something that I was “supposed” to do, but as I grew older (and wiser) it became comforting in times of struggle and success.
When I turned to God that night, I felt as if I was actually talking to him. I looked up at the ceiling, wiped my tears, and said:
God, please please please give me the strength to get through this. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to be strong anymore. Please guide me through this. I need your help.
And His help was exactly what I received. It was not like those magical Jesus stories that you hear about. I did not see a bright light, I did not hear this loud “God-like” voice, and I did not immediately feel better after begging for His help. It was subtle, and I did not even notice that He helped me until recently.
I have come a long way since that night, but honestly, I do not think that I would have gotten to this point without God’s help. When I felt alone, I talked to Him. When no one could understand what I was going through, I talked to Him. He was my light when I felt so dark, and I could not appreciate anything more than that.
I know I probably sound like a homily that you would hear at church, but I promise I’m not trying to be cheesy. This is how I feel 100%. I debated writing a post about God because I know that not everyone shares my beliefs, but this was such a huge part of my journey.
There is no way I would have made it through what I have been through without God’s help. A quick prayer goes a long way, and it helps you more than you could imagine.